I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
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Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.