My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
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“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going