*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
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[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!