[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
You Might Also Like
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”