As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
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I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat