I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
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Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”