Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
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why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Does beer think about me too?
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.