I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
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broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.