Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
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Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.