A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
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I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Trying
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Meow
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake