I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
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If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
He a real one for that
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Blew out my flip flop…
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
fixed it
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline