Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
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I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.