“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
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Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.