While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
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me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
yes yes a thousand times yes!
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.