Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
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Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.