“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
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You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
there’s probably a fee though
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Bros before Ohioes
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack