my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
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*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.