Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
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Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
I am having an out of money experience.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.