Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
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Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Me as a therapist: omg same
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.