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A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
A new level of troll.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana