Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
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My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
And then there were 4
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?