My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
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According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Two types of dogs.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
I came this close!!!!
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.