My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
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friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building