i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
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sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.