Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
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If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
🤣
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me