I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
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If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.