“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
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I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Even though it鈥檚 a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
me opening up to someone
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
I never answer my door because it鈥檚 always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I鈥檓 not interested in either of those services
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don鈥檛 have to copy that part.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won鈥檛 play with you
Some of y鈥檃ll tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away