My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
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Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
#oldknees
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
I get distracted pretty eas
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers