In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
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I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
He-man has a Masters degree
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Flowers bee like
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀