[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
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[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.