You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
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So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.