me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
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Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
twitter users today:
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops