Fluff me with a fork baby
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I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.