The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
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her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.