My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
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I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman