You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
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Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
He’s cranky this morning
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
U talkin 2 me?
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE