Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
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Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
#MeanwhileInCanada
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
you have three unread messages
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
I feel this so hard
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”