Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
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My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else