Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
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Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Not today. 😅
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
doing some research
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe