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Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
at ease…shoulder.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Not even remotely sorry.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.