Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
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God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
#gardening
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.