My new favorite headline
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two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
What fresh Hell is this?!?
Godspeed, John Glenn
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt