As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
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3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
Pizza is an emotion right?
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.