You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
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You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl