I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
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My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.