Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
You Might Also Like
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?