Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
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You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
bought wrong eggs
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend