Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
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“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
How dude HOW?!
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH