“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
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Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?