sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
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My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Real House Wines.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
they finally got him. they got macavity
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted